this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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