If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
