Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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