Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize