Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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