I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
dude i'm inner monologue high
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Randomize
