wakey wakey hands off snakey
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
