my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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