the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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