I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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