I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
zippers are such a cool invention
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
