let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I am one with the molecules
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize