i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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