here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
