I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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