There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
