Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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