Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
