I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
