why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
