Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I look better un-naked...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
