Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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