i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
he fucked my hip out of place.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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