How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Are my feet made of real feet?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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