hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize