life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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