You're so nebulous sometimes
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
