It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
