guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
