I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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