I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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