why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
