So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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