i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
