the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
