By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
