she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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