Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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