what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
