I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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