You just made me feel so damn special
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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