just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
