U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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