I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
