Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
