I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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