I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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