im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm passing your future prison.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
my poor anus
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
