i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
