Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
