people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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