textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
