why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
two words...techno handjob
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize