I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
