i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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