I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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