There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
