i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
