Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
