i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
