Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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