FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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