come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
