so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
