I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
