just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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