Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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