Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
