there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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