I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
