i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
