someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
wow bdsm is so cute
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
