you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
